foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
