Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
