Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize