i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
