i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
