Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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