ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
