my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
