I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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