it hurts more in the daytime
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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