You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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