I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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