Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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