if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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