She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
