so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
