im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
