I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
