She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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