if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
