just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
