in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
