How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm passing your future prison.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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