Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
