come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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