Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
