i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
