then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
