Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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