sarcasm needs its own font
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
