if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
