Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
