if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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