dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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