I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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