It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I checked into jail on foursquare
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
