I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
