Even the bartender felt bad for me
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
