I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
