Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
