Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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