Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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