FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
