i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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