Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
