I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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