If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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