i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
