The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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