A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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