mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
