I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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