I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
