My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
