My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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