Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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