it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
