dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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