sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
