You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
